Little Miracle

  I have attempted over and over again to sit down and write this post. Each time I go to type out my thoughts I backspace and backspace until the page is once again blank. The past four months consisted of nothing less than a whirlwind of emotions. October was a month of heartbreak, of asking "why", of pouring into my Scripture looking for comfort and hope. It was a month that drew Joel and I closer together. A month that we knew without a doubt that we were "ready" and hoping for children to come along. There is this hole when you lose a baby, even in miscarriage. You lose your hopes and dreams, this future that you have carefully thought about for this small life you've created. It's hole that I don't believe will ever just go away, but that will eventually heal and grow smaller with time.

   As I dove into my Bible in the days, weeks and months following our loss many verses brought me comfort. My favorite was Genesis 25:21, it reads, "Isaac prayed to the LORD on behalf of his wife because she was childless. The LORD heard his prayer, and Rebekah conceived." I often wonder if Rebekah had trouble conceiving. Did she and other women like Rachel, Hannah, and Elizabeth deal with losing babies too soon? I like to think that they know the frustration, and heartache I have felt and that is part of why their stories are so precious and included. Without their longing for children, there would not have been Jacob, Joseph, Samuel, and John the Baptist. Men that God used for great and amazing things. What stands out to me about Rebekah is that Isaac prayed on her behalf, which of course hits me right in the feels. Joel and I spent weeks and months praying. We prayed together, we prayed separately, we poured our hearts out in desperation over our longing for a baby. Oh how we prayed! Emotional could be considered an understatement for how I felt; half the time I was hopeful and the other half I was in full on tears. There were so many ways God revealed Himself and spoke to me, but that is another post for another day.

   December was hectic, with family visiting and preparing to travel back to Georgia for Christmas. We looked forward to what the new year held, finally moving back to Georgia and the possibility of going back to school or work. We focused on the areas of our life that we could see God working in, and continued to pray for His timing in having children. Little did we know that His timing was a lot sooner than we thought. The second week of December, Denver (our spoiled pup) started getting really clingy. I know dogs can sense things but I did not suspect a thing at all. Until, I mentioned it to my mom, who of course responds with "you're probably pregnant." I waited until that Friday to actually test, which happened to also be the day Joel's parents and two of his sisters flew in for his eldest sister's graduation. To my surprise, the faintest of faint pink lines showed up right next to the other pink line. I freaked out, text my mom, then my doctor, and then headed to the lab for blood work to confirm. Joel had no idea, and if it was a definite, I did not want to tell him until Christmas.

   That night I picked his family from the airport and attempted to keep that positive test in the back of my mind. We enjoyed a short visit with his family and dropped them off at the airport the following afternoon. Then I got a text from my doctor that my levels were 17, so possibly pregnant, since anything over 25 is considered pregnant. The doctor put in another order for blood work to follow-up the next week and to make sure my levels were doubling like they're suppose to. I told my mom the news, and eventually Joel guessed in a game of twenty questions to figure out what his Christmas present was. We were overjoyed and thankful. I basically took a test every day for the next week, to make sure the faint pink lines were turning into dark pink lines. By the next Friday, I headed into the lab for blood work, then we hit the road for Georgia. Sitting in traffic, a text popped up from my doctor that my levels were up to 444. Which officially meant we are expecting again! We told Joel's family, my siblings, and my grandparents all on Christmas day. When we came home in January we scheduled an ultrasound with the doctor. The baby was eight weeks along, exactly where it should be. It was such a relief to see our little one, this sweet promise of answered prayers, its heart flickering perfectly on the screen. Our last appointment was at ten weeks, once again our little one measured perfect and was so active wiggling, jumping, and waving.

   I am in such awe each day I wake up sick and exhausted in this first trimester. We passed the hurdles of measuring past six weeks and having a great ten week ultrasound. Every single day, I praise God and pray over this sweet little life growing in my tummy. We are so so beyond thankful for His faithfulness. Baby Reece is due August 23rd, about year after we found out we were expecting Levi. I am remembered, I am loved, and I serve such a good good Father. He is so faithful.

"Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!"

Luke 1:45

My Levi

   Oh my little one, how I wish I could hold you in my arms. How I wish I could see you grow up. I had so many dreams of who you would be, what you would look like, how your face would light up when you smiled for the first time. Your daddy and I knew about you so soon, finding out that you were in my belly at three and a half weeks along, and just days before then your little heart started its first beats. You daddy bought a rocking chair for your nursery that very weekend, because we were so excited. We got to see you a few weeks later, being stubborn just like me. Your little heartbeat flickered on the screen, and in that moment we knew we were parents. Little did we know that same little heart would stop beating just a few days later.
   I started a registry for all the things we would need for you, researching and picking out the absolute best we could afford. Your daddy and I bought your travel system that we were to use to take you home in just 7 months. Slowly, the little room that would be yours started to gain little baby things. We talked about what we would name you. You were and still are so loved. We couldn't wait to meet this little face that had made us parents, the life that had been given to us.
   And then week ten rolled around, and something was off. There were no signs of it being a miscarriage, but it was just off. Your daddy assured me you were fine, prayed over you and for my nerves to be calmed, and then he did something he hadn't done in the weeks before. He called you by a name we had picked out. He called you Levi. I went for my scheduled appointment to finally meet my doctor. We talked, addressed my concerns, and then checked on you with an ultrasound. I wasn't able to see you. The doctor looked concerned as she told me she couldn't find your heartbeat. My heart sank, tears came flooding, and I didn't want it to be true. My nurse came in and we cried; she was so encouraging. Then my doctor took me over to radiology for an emergency ultrasound. I waited in this cold, mostly empty room for what seemed like forever. And finally the tech came to get me. He didn't and couldn't tell me anything while he took his pictures and made his notes, but I knew. Your daddy got off work, called me, and then met me at the hospital; he drove us home just listening to me cry, and then held me while I cried the rest of the night. The next day I woke of crying, which pretty much lasted all day. I waited more than 24 hours before my doctor called to confirm what I had known in my heart the day before.
   My heart ached for you, I longed to know that you were still there, just being stubborn again. My heart still aches for you. For ten weeks, I carried you my little one. Ten weeks of putting my hand on my belly knowing you were there. Knowing you had small but functioning organs, little finger and toes far too small to see yet. Ten weeks of your daddy and I praying for you every single night: that you would grow, that you would be protected, and that you would be healthy. Weeks of craving hot sauce and donuts. Weeks of planning a dreamy nursery to bring you home to.
   But God had other plans. I will never know why you were given to us and then taken away so soon. Why I only had a few short months with you, the baby that stole my heart, but I never got to hold. What I do know: God is using our story. His light is shining in this dark moment, and it's bringing Him all the glory. His ways are good. He is a good good Father, and He kew the number of your days before I could even fathom them. He protected you, far better than what we prayed for. You will never know heartache or see the suffering of this world. I know that you are in a far better place, a home with the glorious King who created you and I, where I know I will one day meet that beautiful face that I have dreamed of these past few months. You will forever have a piece of my heart. My first baby, my Levi.

"For it was You who created my inward parts;

You knit me together in my mother's womb.

I will praise You,

because I have been remarkably and wonderfully made.

Your works are wonderful, and I know this very well.

My bones were not hidden from You,

when I was made in secret,

when I was formed in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw me when I was formless;

all of my days were written in Your book and planned

before a single one of them began."

Psalm 139:13-16

Everything's Bigger in Texas

   YES, y'all are getting two post within a week of each other. I know I've posted like a billion pictures on Facebook lately, but we have done A LOT of sight-seeing and wandering here. I strongly believe that the reason they say "everything's bigger in Texas" is because the state itself is huge. Since we are in Central Texas, we're right smack in the middle of all the major cities, BUT that does't mean they are close by. Austin and Dallas are both at least two hours away, then San Antonio and Houston are a bit further. We went to SXSW in March, but since then we've found all kinds of neat stuff events that are out here.

    One weekend we went cliff jumping and swimming in the nearby lakes with some guys from Joel's company. We then learned of a neat/odd little event in the nearby town of Copperas Cove called RabbitFest. It was the first time Joel had been to a carnival and so we rode a lot of the crickety, look like they are going to break while on them carnival rides. It was so much fun, other than the fact that I had not been on any of those sorts of rides in ages and they are apparently not as fun as I remember. We came home that night feeling sick to our stomaches because we had spun way to fast on one of the rides, but it was completely worth all the fun we had. 

Joel at the lake.

Ferris wheel

   The next weekend was Memorial Day weekend. We had a four day, decided to look up somethings to do, and found RedFest, held at Circuit of the Americas in Austin. Jeff Foxworthy put on the entire event for the weekend, and gave out over 6,000 tickets to soldiers and their families. Thankfully, I was able to find who had extra tickets and we got in for free on Saturday & Sunday! There were so many great performances by wonderful artists. Saturday night we saw Kip Moore and (the other love of my life) Tim McGraw, then Sunday morning we got up early to see Phil Robertson of Duck Commander and his son Alan preach. Joel & I were as red as tomatoes from an hour of sitting in the sun that morning, so we went to the nearest tent to hear all the music before going back to amphitheater to hear Jeff Foxworthy and the Florida Georgia Line. 

Meeting Bruce from Swamp People

Suburnt afternoon. 

Waiting for FLGA Line.

   A few weeks later, some of Joel's family came to visit us for a few days. It was fun having a house full of people, and made me miss the hectic crazy family of mine back home. After all the girls left, Joel's brother Jon stayed over the weekend to spend time with him before he left for Hawaii. Joel left for the field and I drove Jon to the airport in Austin with both dogs. When Joel got back and had his next four day we took a trip to San Antonio. We kicked off the trip by going to SeaWorld. It was so very crowded, but we made the most of it and enjoyed it. Although, Joel kept referencing Blackfish and hoping the beluga whales would eat the trainers. Afterwards Joel wanted to see the Alamo, so we went to downtown. It was so pretty, but again crowded. Then, we walked across the street to the Ripley's Believe It or Not! and the wax museum, which were pretty neat. We decided to walk a couple of blocks down to the RiverWalk to get dinner after a long day of sight-seeing.  The atmosphere at the RiverWalk is amazing, pretty crowded, but gorgeous. I was really hoping to eat at Rainforest Cafe, but there was an hour and a half wait, so we put our names on the wait list, and then went down across the river to Hard Rock to get on the wait list there. We decided to see which one would have an opening first and waited it out. Which means we ended up at Hard Rock.

   Joel has been in the field for the last week and a half, so he will be home just in time for a four day weekend and my favorite holiday. We haven't really decided what adventure we'll going on, but it looks like we need to explore the major city of Dallas.

Puppy Lovin'

   On May 31st my wonderful husband finally agreed to let me get another puppy. Lord bless him, he's not a dog person, but somehow I've been able to get two sweet four legged babies. I found an adorable lab puppy online at the local animal control the day before, so I called Saturday morning and she was still there. So as soon as adoption hours started, I went to pick her up. Joel laughs because his birthday was that Friday and I got a dog for his birthday.

   She has been so much fun to have this past month. Dawson loves having a little sister, even though they are constantly aggravating each other, and she steals all his toys. She's also a sweet cuddly pup, which I love because Dawson isn't much for cuddles. We named her Denver and are still absolutely in love!

The Lone Star State

     It has been almost three months since I've written and a busy three months it has been! On February 13th, after a lot of snow, my parents and I made the trek across four states, so that my husband and I could move into our house!

     We made it to Fort Hood on Valentine's Day and moved into our 2 bedroom and 1.5 bath town home. The last two weeks of February Joel was on a night detail, so I had the house to myself all night, until I had to pick him up at 4am. When March rolled around we were finally on a somewhat normal schedule. So the first weekend of March, we adopted a dog!

    Dawson is a spoiled 17th month old lab mix that we found at the local animal control facility, and he had such a personality. Since bringing him home though, he hardly leaves my side (hates being home alone) and lounges around the house all day, except for when he gets Joel to get in the floor or yard to wrestle with him. Yes, they wrestle. I also had to go to the ER in March.

    While home alone, I was slicing apples on a mandolin slicer and accidentally got my pinky. I definitely freaked out since I was bleeding like crazy, and called my momma then my husband (who had the car). Thankfully, he was able to rush home and get me to the hospital. After two washrags and a lot of gauze full of blood, I had a numbing shot in my finger and three stitches. A few days later we celebrated my 21st birthday in Austin, where we wandered 6th Street, ate dinner, and listened to a lot of bands participating in SXSW. We didn't really know that the festival was going on until we got to the town full of hipsters.

   Since then, we've dealt with taking Dawson to the vet, a few weeks with Joel in the field, and a sinus infection that made me look like a Who for a few days. Last week was tough, I know that Fort Hood was all over the news, and we told our families as soon as we knew what had happened. Thankfully, we were already home and safe. So between last week and the arrival of the President tomorrow, April has had quite the start! Hopefully, I will write every week or so now.