This Morning...

   This morning, much like my mornings the past few weeks, I awoke to the little flutters of baby movements across my belly. Our sweet little girl has taken to reminding me that she's there right at 6am every morning. She moves and goes all day long, to the point where I am exhausted and ready for a nap by the afternoon. But with each little kick, hiccup, and flip I feel, I am more and more overjoyed to be carrying this little life. Joel has told me that every time I feel her move, I act as though I am feeling it for the first time, and I believe it. These sweet little movements will never stop amazing me from the little flutters, to her pressing on scar tissue. I hope to soak each and every one of them in until our Emersyn Jubilee makes her arrival.

   This morning, is also unlike most mornings, in that it is a day that we celebrate our mothers. A day that we recognize all they have done to raise us, all they have sacrificed so that we could have what we need, and all that they continue to do for us and our babies once we become adults. My mama is my best friend, and quite possibly the person I admire the most in the world. She shares my birthday and blessed me with her looks. She has shared in my triumphs and failures, my joys and my heartaches, broken arms, countless doctor's appointments, and late nights running high fevers. She's at almost every game, chorus concert, and school event, regardless of if she was staying up extremely late the night before working on a trophy order. She's our biggest fan, and the first one to stand up for us when we've been wronged. She prays over us, points us to Christ, and fights for us to know Him. She's not the best cook, but she's an awesome party planner. My mama deserves so much more than just Mother's Day. If I can be half the mom to Emersyn that she is, I will be grateful.

    So this morning, when I woke to a text from my mama telling me she's been a terrible mom this week and wishing me my first "Happy Mother's Day," I couldn't help but cry. It has been a rough week for both my mama and I. She had a tooth taken out this week and a kid with the flu. I have been battling sinus issues with the funky weather we've been having, dealing with Joel's forever long training days, realizing that some friendships aren't what they seem, and crying over the day that was our glory baby's due date. It's been a hard realization that I should have a one week old today, but it's been a week filled with love over our joyful little girl as we had great appointments to check on her.

    My mama, my mother-in-law, and my nana, all took the time this week and this morning to wish me a Happy Mother's Day, and I couldn't be more grateful for them. These wonderful women who have helped to mold me and my husband into the people we are, took the time on a day about them, to send a text or card to this soon-to-be mom. I have had the privilege of carrying two little lives in my womb, one I get to meet in just 15 weeks and the other I will meet in eternity. Two little lives that I prayed over, planned for, and loved more than ever thought possible. As my mama said in her text to me this morning, "you know the stretch, the depth, the love and the pain of a mother's heart." I have only experienced a small glimpse into the life of a mother. This Mother's Day for me, is this in between time as I wait for my little girl to be earth side. Next year, this day will be so much sweeter. My exhausted days and sleepless nights are only just beginning. Fighting for my child, worrying over her, and praying over her are things that I've come to know over the past 25 weeks and will only continue to do. Experiencing life with her, giggles, arguments, and seeing her grow into who God has created her to be will come all too soon.

    This morning, and all day today, I celebrate my mama especially and all the mothers in my life. Not just the ones related to me, but all those who have impacted and loved on me. Thank you all for pouring into my life, and for showing me so much of what motherhood is. For loving on your babies with such grace and beauty. You will never know how much it means to me to watch you as become a mom myself. Happy Mother's Day!

"Her children arise and call her blessed;

her husband also, he praises her:

Many women do noble things,

But you surpass them all."

Proverbs 31:28, 29

Our year of Jubilee

   Let me start by that I will never stop being in awe of how great my God is. I am so amazed at how He speaks to me and fulfills His promises. This precious baby growing in my belly is such a testament to that. Finding out that this little one is a girl Saturday and then confirming it again yesterday was such confirmation to what God had spoken in the months before.

   In the nine weeks between our miscarriage and getting another positive test there were countless prayers, and not just over a baby. Joel was at the point where he had about a year left in his contract, so he had a choice to make as to if he would reenlist for a few more years and try to PCS to Ft.Stewart or if he would get out for us to move back home. As we prayed for clarity in which direction to go, it was abundantly clear that either way would be going home to Georgia, but that staying in the army at Ft.Stewart would provide a little bit of stability when he transitions out and back near our family. We had this time of Jubilee where we would be returning home at the end of 2016. We were so excited to be moving closer to family, near one of our favorite cities (Savannah), and also having a short drive to the beach! 

   We were also deeply praying over a baby. There were times where we would pray together before bed, Joel would roll over and fall fast asleep, and I would lie there continuing to pray for a little one. It was in those moments that God worked. There were two nights that I had vivid dreams of a bald baby girl. I was on the phone with my mom one day telling her about the dreams while I was out shopping, and she begins to tell me that my dad felt the Holy Spirit telling him our next baby would be a girl. At the time, I didn't know what to make of it all. It was this overwhelming moment of knowing a baby was coming, but not knowing God's timing of when. A few weeks later, in my routine of praying as Joel slept, a piece of a chorus to a song I grew up hearing in church was laid on my heart.

  Lift your voice, it's the Year of Jubilee. 

   This sweet little phrase rang through my head and has stayed on my heart. I could not for the life of me think of the name of the song though until one day it hit me: Days of Elijah. As December rolled around and we got a positive test, I knew without a doubt this baby was a girl. I told Joel and my mom her name would be Jubilee. My mom of course loved it, but Joel thought it would be better suited for a middle name. Plus, he thought the baby would be a boy. As I searched and looked for boy names, nothing really sounded good. I definitely had a girl's middle name and a few ideas for first names but could not for the life of me settle on any boys names, I had it set in my heart that this baby was a girl. Flipping through the baby name book, I ran across the name Emerson and fell in love. I thought it was a perfect name for a little girl, especially after reading the inherent meaning, "victorious," and the Scripture with it Psalm 20:5. The other plus was that it isn't common, and that it also reminds me of Ralph Waldo Emerson, who is one of my favorite writers. I've seen so many different spellings of it, however we finally settled on Emersyn, because it ends -yn like my name. :)

   The year of Jubilee in Biblical times was every 50th year. It was a year of returning home, a year of joy, year that is holy, and a year of celebrating what God had done. Our baby is due almost exactly year after we had our positive test with Levi. When she arrives this year will have come full-circle from the hurt we felt five months ago. In January, my mom sent me further confirmation that Jubilee is this little girl's name. Whole Magazine sends her alerts each morning, and she contributed an article to them a few months back. Well the alert for January 1st declares 2016 the year of Jubilee, "a time of freedom and of celebration when you receive back what was yours. A year to declare liberty and restoration in your life". Sweet little girl, our Emersyn Jubilee, you have already brought so much joy to our lives and we are so anxious for your arrival.

Little Miracle

  I have attempted over and over again to sit down and write this post. Each time I go to type out my thoughts I backspace and backspace until the page is once again blank. The past four months consisted of nothing less than a whirlwind of emotions. October was a month of heartbreak, of asking "why", of pouring into my Scripture looking for comfort and hope. It was a month that drew Joel and I closer together. A month that we knew without a doubt that we were "ready" and hoping for children to come along. There is this hole when you lose a baby, even in miscarriage. You lose your hopes and dreams, this future that you have carefully thought about for this small life you've created. It's hole that I don't believe will ever just go away, but that will eventually heal and grow smaller with time.

   As I dove into my Bible in the days, weeks and months following our loss many verses brought me comfort. My favorite was Genesis 25:21, it reads, "Isaac prayed to the LORD on behalf of his wife because she was childless. The LORD heard his prayer, and Rebekah conceived." I often wonder if Rebekah had trouble conceiving. Did she and other women like Rachel, Hannah, and Elizabeth deal with losing babies too soon? I like to think that they know the frustration, and heartache I have felt and that is part of why their stories are so precious and included. Without their longing for children, there would not have been Jacob, Joseph, Samuel, and John the Baptist. Men that God used for great and amazing things. What stands out to me about Rebekah is that Isaac prayed on her behalf, which of course hits me right in the feels. Joel and I spent weeks and months praying. We prayed together, we prayed separately, we poured our hearts out in desperation over our longing for a baby. Oh how we prayed! Emotional could be considered an understatement for how I felt; half the time I was hopeful and the other half I was in full on tears. There were so many ways God revealed Himself and spoke to me, but that is another post for another day.

   December was hectic, with family visiting and preparing to travel back to Georgia for Christmas. We looked forward to what the new year held, finally moving back to Georgia and the possibility of going back to school or work. We focused on the areas of our life that we could see God working in, and continued to pray for His timing in having children. Little did we know that His timing was a lot sooner than we thought. The second week of December, Denver (our spoiled pup) started getting really clingy. I know dogs can sense things but I did not suspect a thing at all. Until, I mentioned it to my mom, who of course responds with "you're probably pregnant." I waited until that Friday to actually test, which happened to also be the day Joel's parents and two of his sisters flew in for his eldest sister's graduation. To my surprise, the faintest of faint pink lines showed up right next to the other pink line. I freaked out, text my mom, then my doctor, and then headed to the lab for blood work to confirm. Joel had no idea, and if it was a definite, I did not want to tell him until Christmas.

   That night I picked his family from the airport and attempted to keep that positive test in the back of my mind. We enjoyed a short visit with his family and dropped them off at the airport the following afternoon. Then I got a text from my doctor that my levels were 17, so possibly pregnant, since anything over 25 is considered pregnant. The doctor put in another order for blood work to follow-up the next week and to make sure my levels were doubling like they're suppose to. I told my mom the news, and eventually Joel guessed in a game of twenty questions to figure out what his Christmas present was. We were overjoyed and thankful. I basically took a test every day for the next week, to make sure the faint pink lines were turning into dark pink lines. By the next Friday, I headed into the lab for blood work, then we hit the road for Georgia. Sitting in traffic, a text popped up from my doctor that my levels were up to 444. Which officially meant we are expecting again! We told Joel's family, my siblings, and my grandparents all on Christmas day. When we came home in January we scheduled an ultrasound with the doctor. The baby was eight weeks along, exactly where it should be. It was such a relief to see our little one, this sweet promise of answered prayers, its heart flickering perfectly on the screen. Our last appointment was at ten weeks, once again our little one measured perfect and was so active wiggling, jumping, and waving.

   I am in such awe each day I wake up sick and exhausted in this first trimester. We passed the hurdles of measuring past six weeks and having a great ten week ultrasound. Every single day, I praise God and pray over this sweet little life growing in my tummy. We are so so beyond thankful for His faithfulness. Baby Reece is due August 23rd, about year after we found out we were expecting Levi. I am remembered, I am loved, and I serve such a good good Father. He is so faithful.

"Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!"

Luke 1:45