My Levi

   Oh my little one, how I wish I could hold you in my arms. How I wish I could see you grow up. I had so many dreams of who you would be, what you would look like, how your face would light up when you smiled for the first time. Your daddy and I knew about you so soon, finding out that you were in my belly at three and a half weeks along, and just days before then your little heart started its first beats. You daddy bought a rocking chair for your nursery that very weekend, because we were so excited. We got to see you a few weeks later, being stubborn just like me. Your little heartbeat flickered on the screen, and in that moment we knew we were parents. Little did we know that same little heart would stop beating just a few days later.
   I started a registry for all the things we would need for you, researching and picking out the absolute best we could afford. Your daddy and I bought your travel system that we were to use to take you home in just 7 months. Slowly, the little room that would be yours started to gain little baby things. We talked about what we would name you. You were and still are so loved. We couldn't wait to meet this little face that had made us parents, the life that had been given to us.
   And then week ten rolled around, and something was off. There were no signs of it being a miscarriage, but it was just off. Your daddy assured me you were fine, prayed over you and for my nerves to be calmed, and then he did something he hadn't done in the weeks before. He called you by a name we had picked out. He called you Levi. I went for my scheduled appointment to finally meet my doctor. We talked, addressed my concerns, and then checked on you with an ultrasound. I wasn't able to see you. The doctor looked concerned as she told me she couldn't find your heartbeat. My heart sank, tears came flooding, and I didn't want it to be true. My nurse came in and we cried; she was so encouraging. Then my doctor took me over to radiology for an emergency ultrasound. I waited in this cold, mostly empty room for what seemed like forever. And finally the tech came to get me. He didn't and couldn't tell me anything while he took his pictures and made his notes, but I knew. Your daddy got off work, called me, and then met me at the hospital; he drove us home just listening to me cry, and then held me while I cried the rest of the night. The next day I woke of crying, which pretty much lasted all day. I waited more than 24 hours before my doctor called to confirm what I had known in my heart the day before.
   My heart ached for you, I longed to know that you were still there, just being stubborn again. My heart still aches for you. For ten weeks, I carried you my little one. Ten weeks of putting my hand on my belly knowing you were there. Knowing you had small but functioning organs, little finger and toes far too small to see yet. Ten weeks of your daddy and I praying for you every single night: that you would grow, that you would be protected, and that you would be healthy. Weeks of craving hot sauce and donuts. Weeks of planning a dreamy nursery to bring you home to.
   But God had other plans. I will never know why you were given to us and then taken away so soon. Why I only had a few short months with you, the baby that stole my heart, but I never got to hold. What I do know: God is using our story. His light is shining in this dark moment, and it's bringing Him all the glory. His ways are good. He is a good good Father, and He kew the number of your days before I could even fathom them. He protected you, far better than what we prayed for. You will never know heartache or see the suffering of this world. I know that you are in a far better place, a home with the glorious King who created you and I, where I know I will one day meet that beautiful face that I have dreamed of these past few months. You will forever have a piece of my heart. My first baby, my Levi.

"For it was You who created my inward parts;

You knit me together in my mother's womb.

I will praise You,

because I have been remarkably and wonderfully made.

Your works are wonderful, and I know this very well.

My bones were not hidden from You,

when I was made in secret,

when I was formed in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw me when I was formless;

all of my days were written in Your book and planned

before a single one of them began."

Psalm 139:13-16